Dementia, Loved Ones and You

by Joanne L. Berman, LCSW

 

In a famous quote many years ago, actress Bette Davis observed that, “Old age ain’t for sissies.” That being said, the truth is probably somewhere in between. Or put another way, growing old is an extremely mixed bag. There are many people who are fortunate enough to enjoy good health, excellent cognitive capacities, independence and joy in their lives. But, unfortunately, that is not everyone. Many people are ravaged by old age.

Why one person can age gracefully and another may suffer from dementia or Alzheimer’s disease is not easily explained. But what is understood, however, is that many of us will be touched—and in some cases, deeply affected by a parent, spouse, uncle, aunt or even friend with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. While Alzheimer’s disease comprises the largest share of dementia, other forms of dementia are extremely prevalent. Lewey Bodies dementia is second. And multi-infarct dementia is third.

When the Alzheimer’s or dementia victim is a loved one, family members and friends can experience profound life changes and dilemmas they never dreamed of. They are often forced to make decisions, adjustments—and excuses. Lives often seem to take unexpected turns. Hours—and even days--are spent attending to the health, issues and care of our loved ones. Some people find coping skills they didn’t know they had. And some people develop patience that surprises even them.

It is heartbreaking to see loved ones, many of whom were once brilliant and accomplished, deteriorate before our eyes. Changes are observed, many of them subtle at first, which seem to eventually systematically rob our loved ones of their individuality, personality and core. Many of us deny these changes and don’t understand them. We are often perplexed, and fearful.

Alzheimer’s Disease International reports that common early symptoms of dementia are memory loss, difficulty performing familiar tasks, language problems, time and place disorientation, losing and misplacing things and noticeable behavioral changes. There are also personality changes, depression and loss of initiative. And suspicious, paranoid and bizarre behavior. What to do?

It is recommended that if odd behavior is noted in a family member, it is wise to draw up important papers such as Medical Power of Attorney for Health Care, Durable Power of Attorney, and a Living Will. Orientation is important for the validity of these documents, so time can be of the essence.

Also extremely important is a doctor visit for a full physical evaluation. Numerous factors may be causing problems and it is important to find out what they are. It is also strongly recommended that your aging family member have a geriatric assessment evaluation and exam. There are medications today that won’t be able to cure dementia and Alzheimer’s—but they can certainly help.

A final note to caregivers and family members: please remember that whatever your loved one says or does in anger is not about you. It is about their illness. As a hospital social worker who deals with many geriatric patients and their families, I have seen adult children of dementia patients suffer deep emotional hurts as a result of what a confused, angry parent said or did. As beautifully depicted in the recent movie “Savages,” dementia and Alzheimer’s, particularly in a parent, tend to tap into our deepest fears, hurts, conflicts and issues, many of them decades old.

It is vitally important for family members and caregivers to take care of themselves, and to discuss their feelings about the challenges they face. Support groups can be extremely helpful. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help to discuss YOUR feelings, issues and concerns. You are an important part in this picture.

Joanne Berman, LCSW