Communicate Before A Crisis Occurs

As published in the Elder Law Quarterly Winter 2002 issue, by Wright Abshire

by Amy Bartling, LSW

During the course of a normal day, members of a family easily talk about the weather, current events, or simply how their day went. It may be a rare occurrence, however, for the family to engage in a discussion about values or religious beliefs. Think about your own family. If something were to happen to you, does your family know what your wishes are? Do you really know what kind of help is most needed by your elderly loved ones? In their struggle to maintain their independence and continue living in their own home, would they let you know if they needed some assistance with daily activities and bill payment services?

We often get caught up in the day to day activities of our lives and forget to discuss what is truly important with those we love. Everyone benefits if we do this when we have the time to make thoughtful decisions. Unfortunately, too many important decisions are made when tragedy strikes and we are forced into action. If only we had taken the time to discuss our feelings before a loved one has had a stroke, or is laying in a hospital bed, unable to tell us what they really want us to do for them. Maybe we are in denial and do not want to face the truth.

Without honest, advance communication, adult children are left trying to figure out what their parent would have wanted when the parent becomes incapacitated. Here are a few tips to keep in mind for yourself and for others that will help make these difficult discussions easier:

• Set aside a specific time to discuss important matters with the entire family.
• When you do communicate, be a receptive listener. Encourage feedback and allow time for everyone present to talk.
• Discuss your values, religious beliefs, and wishes concerning life-support in the event of illness. Also, if you would like to be an organ donor, you should discuss this with your family so they are aware of your intent.
• Do not be afraid to tell the other members of your family how you really feel, even if it differs from their own beliefs. Always keep an open mind.
• Do not wait for a crisis to occur; communicate with your family today. If you do not tell them your wishes, no one else will. Once you discuss these matters with your family, remember to put them in writing. (See main article on page one regarding advance planning documents).